Part 3 of 4 | 11 Lessons We Have Learned to Make Our Marriage Perfect
This is how I feel about a perfect marriage:
None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.
In the last two posts we have learned valuable lessons about involving God in our marriage and making time for each other. This next section will help you learn about being kind to each other. Learning that the little things really do matter in our day to day lives. Section 4 will discuss the commitments we make.
III. Be Kind
6.Don't Criticize Each Other
When I got married my mom encouraged me to not share with others my frustrations about my husband. I was also aware of how much my husband does not like to be talked about behind his back. I made a decision right then to not speak ill of my husband. When I was with a group of women who were complaining about their husbands I tried not to talk behind his back and instead to praise him. There were times I didn't do so well and other times I would confide in close family and friends about concerns and frustrations, but in public I really tried to be positive.
This has helped me not accentuate my husband's negatives. I don't reinforce the things he does wrong and I don't put him in a poor light for others. My husband and I make plenty of mistakes and do things wrong, but this is between me and him and by respecting him when he is not around I have seen him respect me when I am not around. It also allows us to be our true selves in private without the worry that our actions will be gossiped about later.
It has formed a strong trust and a strong confidence in our marriage. What is between us is between us and no one else.
7.“Who can be Nicer?” Game
One time my sister in law said, "You guys do fight . . . You fight over who can be nicer." My husband and I laughed about this but then got to thinking. We decided this was a good thing to "fight" about. From then on we have tried to be nicer than the other. Sometimes he wins, sometimes I do. But we truly strive to be nicer. This has caused us to always look for ways to help. It has caused us to be less selfish and to be truly aware of each other at all times.
Even our kids know that this is how we “fight.” They think it is funny and sometimes will even try to be nicer with each other.
The greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring.
Click here for a Pintable Quote
8. Keep Your Mouth Shut
When we had young children my husband could be so frustrating. He wouldn't help out with the dishes or the kids. I was left to do everything. The house was a wreck, the laundry was in piles and he didn't help with any of it. Couldn't he see I was suffocating and overwhelmed? Finally I would reach the end of my rope and I would complain and tell him what he was doing wrong. I usually ended up hurting his feelings and making him defensive. So for the next 3 weeks we would have to talk and work out our feelings and find a solution. Then just when things started getting good again, he would again be so frustrating, he wouldn’t help out, the house was a mess, I was overwhelmed. Couldn’t he see that? So I would say something and we would work things out for another 3 weeks. One day I began to notice this pattern. I realized that usually I really liked my husband and that about once a month he really got on my nerves. That’s when I remembered that I suffer from PMDD.
PMDD is like PMS on steroids. It causes me to become very angry and frustrated right before my period starts. For example, if my kids spill milk on a normal day then I may make a comment and clean it up. When my kids spill milk during one of my PMDD days, I yell and scream, I berate them and feel they have committed an unforgivable sin.
I realized that about the time my PMDD hit once a month was when my husband wasn’t doing what I thought he should be doing. I decided to try an experiment and keep my mouth shut for a week when I began to feel like he wasn’t doing enough. After a few months I noticed that for about 3-4 days I really was mad at my husband and that he couldn’t do anything right, but after those days were over I really liked him again.
I noticed that when I didn’t say anything for a few days the feelings would go away and the thing that I thought was such a big deal didn’t bother me the rest of the month. I learned to keep my mouth shut and to pick my battles. I realized that my husband really did help out a lot and most of the time I was grateful for the sacrifices he made for me.
So many times in life we can say things that we don’t really mean. Yes, we are frustrated, and yes people do things wrong but sometimes just waiting can make such a big difference. I learned that when something bothers me I wait for a few days. If it is still an issue then we calmly talk about it. This has made for a much happier marriage.
Being kind goes a long way in our marriages. As we are kind to our spouse they in turn will be kind to us. The second great commandment is to love others as ourselves. Kindness is love expressed to others and especially to our spouse.
As always I would love to learn from your questions and comments. What makes your marriage perfect?
Use any of the highlighted topics below to read more about what we have learned in our marriage to make it perfect.
I.Involve God-When God is first in your life you will find your goals and wants to be the same. You will have a strong and constant companion helping both of you through the struggles.
1. Put God First
2. Pray Together Every Day
3. Attend the Temple Together
II.Make Time-It is important to make time for each other. To become best friends and to date often.
4. Best Friends
5. Date Often
III.Be Kind-Our spouse deserves our best self. They deserve our trust and respect. Through trial and error we have found 3 ways to be kind.
6. Don’t Criticize Each Other
7. “Who Can Be Nicer?” Game
8. Keep Your Mouth Shut
IV.Commit-We have made a promise before God and witnesses to love each other for eternity. Here are commitments that we have made that have helped our marriage become perfect.
9. Divorce is not an Option
10. Don’t let Anything get in the Way
11. United Front
